Rescue Me

About a year ago, I went through a phase where I kept researching wilderness survival stories.  I found it interesting that those who survived were the people who rejected the sweet sleep of death for the horrible pain of survival at all costs; those who developed the mental toughness to hang on one more day to see if help would come. The survivors never gave up. 

I also found it interesting that many people still died while they were being rescued.  It seemed that the goal was to push the body to hang on until that helicopter was landing. Once it did, the adrenal glands could take a break from the exhausting job of pumping the body full of hormones to make life-saving decisions. The heart could slow down.  The mind could turn off. The muscles could relax. It was over... The problem was, the fight to hold on was part of the reason they were still alive. When the rescuers touched down, sometimes they breathed their last. This wasn't the Disney version of a kiss to the sleeping princess on rose petals. This was a deadly relief that succumbs to exhaustion. I know how they feel...

There is still so much I want to share, but I will have to continue to wait until my doing so won't add pressure to an already tough situation.  God has been moving and our first few miracles finally started trickling down a few weeks ago.  

The problem is, like the person in wilderness survival mode, once just a drop of relief fell at my feet, my body gave up.  I no longer had to keep being strong.  I shut down and plunged into physical sickness.  Dengue fever has humbled me and rocked all my faith in my rock-hard immunity.  

Before this, I wasn't exactly being healthy.  I wasn't eating right or exercising. I was surviving. I was sharing another's depression. I was isolated and alone. I gave up my dream to run races. I lost my way. I didn't want to get involved with other ministries because I didn't know how much time I had left in Grenada. I heard words I never thought I would hear that broke my heart. I withdrew from everything but the bare minimum needed to get by.  Now, my old troubles have dimmed in a small ray of light. Unfortunately, that has also brought with it a lovely mosquito-borne tropical illness and additional work at the mission radio station. The other half of my team has left the mission.  I'm now running the programing and day-to-day duties of the station alone and training new people several times per week to change that while also running a three-week (and counting) fever.  I'm rescued from my wilderness prison, but I'm still on life support in the helicopter, and I have to remind myself not to collapse just yet.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade it for the world! There is now hope. I finally have seen my first few miracles. Before, I was driving a car while watching the rear-view mirror. This was severely limiting my ability to get anywhere. It's now been smashed and all that is left to look at is my road ahead. I have faced my goodbyes. My past is losing its weighted grip on me. I'm finding forgiveness. I have found healing in relationships I thought would never embrace me again. And, I now believe coming to this island was the right decision.  

Ministry options are beginning to open up as I open myself up again, and I'm losing my fear of getting involved.  Before, I felt I was a complete mess and one step away from losing my ability to function.  How could I make commitments or start new relationships this way? Now, my confidence is coming back, and I feel I can open my heart up to help again.

So, this entry isn't going to be any deep spiritual life lessons, more like my personal counseling session.  I don't have any counselor here, and so I find my therapy writing to the vast void of the internet.  No one actually has to read it, I just need to do it. I actually haven't been sleeping well lately because of the writer in my head, as I like to call her.  I know I need to write when I lay down and close my eyes to sleep and immediately see her at her little desk composing blogs on the computer in my head.  I can't shut her off until I let my inner writer out.

So, in the spirit of composing an actual missionary letter this time, here's some prayer requests for those supporting me in this way:

1) Pray for my work at the radio station. Pray I can train others well on how to run things. The person I was sharing the work with left unexpectantly, and I'm trying my best to manage the training and double the work to keep the radio running. But, God is good. I am encouraged by people in Grenada who are playing it in public settings like grocery stores, public buses, and shopping centers, so the message is reaching others. I've also gotten positive feedback from the university students as well. It's good to see God is using it to make a difference through the scripture presented to people. Sometimes working alone in the tiny programing room, I would lose sight of the vision and wonder if anyone out there was even listening. God continues to remind me that they are!  If you would like to listen, go to  http://www.globalfamilynetwork.net/ and click on the live radio link.  While I have no control over the music, as that's a battle I chose not to engage in, I do control the sermon content. 

2) Bible study opportunities are opening up for individual study with listeners requesting it from me. Pray God is with us in our sessions.

3) Pray for our local student Christian organization at St. George's University and its outreach to the undergraduate and graduate students.  We already do a prayer tent outreach twice per semester.  We have seen many come and request special prayer during this time. I'm trying to get permission from student government to put up prayer boxes on campus where students can submit prayer requests and we can have a team go through them and pray for them.  Also, I want it to be dual purpose and be a way for students to request Bible studies.  This has been attempted before but never realized.  Pray God opens up the doors this time.

4) I'm trying to start up a weekly Bible study at the women's prison, which has never had one before.  I would ask for prayers that I could get assistance from a local church, as the head of the prison doesn't want to start this program unless someone is here who can take it over when I leave the island next December. I'm praying God leads me to the right local person who shares this passion to work with the inmates long term and tell them about Jesus.

5) I'm also trying to get Bible literature and tracts here, as we have never had any since I've been here. I am running into my own set of issues with this as well. Pray doors open and literature comes to share with the people. There is such a huge need, and the people are hungry for it. 

6) I'm also getting involved with the at-risk kids in an after-school program, as soon as I finally kick the dengue. I've made all the contacts and am just waiting for my fever to break so I can love on some kids. 

7) Pray for me personally, that God would show me my path for my final year here on the island. Pray that I would find my purpose and forgive myself for this past year of lack of progress.  I needed time to heal, and I took it.  But, I also deal with the guilt of not having any major accomplishments other than depression this past year. I guess I tie my self worth too much to outside accomplishments, so maybe it was good for me and my humility to have a year like this.  Also, pray I finally kick the dengue.  Being sick here with no insurance or AC is no fun. I have taken control of my health habits again and have been eating raw for almost two weeks now. I'm feeling better, but still relapse when I push my recovery too fast.

As for a praise I can share, I'm very excited to get to go home for Christmas.  Chris has an extended break, so we will finally get to go to Arkansas and see family again. I will stay in my childhood home and reconnect with family and old friends. I'm so excited to have a real Christmas this year, as last Christmas was by far the worse one I have ever experienced - stuck in Grenada without any Christmas decorations, tree, or hope.  I did have one bright moment when Chris and I went out Christmas Day and gave chocolate chip cookies I baked to the people in the poor communities. I wrapped the cookies and attached home-made tracks on note cards I wrote by hand with the radio station business cards.  The people really appreciated the gesture, and giving back was the only time I really felt any real Christmas spirit. If the Cookie Christmas hadn't happened, our last holiday would have been a total disaster. This next Christmas promises to be quite an improvement.

So, keep the prayers coming my friends.  While it may seem like I'm living the easy life in paradise, I can safely say this has been the hardest year I have ever experienced. With no demanding job, goals, or hobbies to distract me, I have had to face myself in a very uncertain future with no back-up plan. It has stretched my faith to the final threads and held me in survival mode minutes from total despair. I hope by Christmas to be able to reveal one of the biggest weights our family has had to carry. I say this in faith that God will come through so I can share the testimony of what He has done. But, that's why I can relate to those survivors. God has been there every step of the way. And, His power is the most real when you are on your last breath. By His grace, I am still surviving, and the promised rescue has come.