One of the toughest verses for me to follow in the Bible is found in Hebrews 13:5, "Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” This verse, when broken up into two sections, gives a command for us to follow and a promise for God to follow through on.
Both the command and promise are hard for me. I can never seem to live in the present. I'm haunted by my past and worried for my future. Living this way means lots of sleepless nights (like tonight for example), allowing the "what ifs" and "whys" to dance around in my head. It means finding tears slipping down my cheek and wetting my pillow that I didn't even know I cried because I felt too numb. It certainly doesn't bring happiness and isn't God's plan for me, yet it seems to be my default. How I wish I could slip into the waters of His love and simply float in the moment, drink in every morsel of the magic that surrounds me and wish for nothing more! Being truly content means trusting both the past and future to God. It's just a lot harder in principle than in simple platitudes.
I had hoped to share a miracle of God's leading. I actually have quite the story to tell, and I hope to share a happy ending, but I don't want to share it until all pieces are in place. But, what I thought I would know weeks ago still eludes me. God seems to feel the need to further refine me, asking me to learn to trust Him with huge life events where the answers just won't come without waiting.
He has also felt the need to further purge me of areas in my life where I follow His commands to the letter, but not with my entire heart. God doesn't want grudging obedience, He wants my heart desiring the same thing His does. I may obey Him, but if I'm not content in that decision, it's not really surrender. I've had to break some painful habits that were doing nothing but holding me back from healing. It helped for me to see that much of what I thought was green grass was simply a mirage. Sadly, it took that realization for me to finally give up my rebellion. I wish I could have fully surrendered when I thought I was still giving up Eden. That would have been real faith!
Believing God's promises is sometimes a struggle as well. He has never failed me, yet each time He asks for more belief, I find it so hard to give it. I guess it's because I've had a lot of people I loved deeply promise me important life-changing commitments, then not keep them. Unfortunately, God gets my baggage from my experience with imperfect people. I'm not innocent either. I've broken my share of promises too. But, God promises He will never leave me, that He will always love me. Having always struggled with feeling completely loved by people in my life, this is the hardest thing for me to accept. I may acknowledge it in my head, but my heart still secretly questions. I wish I could learn to trust with the child-like faith I used to have; the kind of faith that hasn't known heartbreak, pain, or death. Getting back to that faith through the valley of darkness is the ultimate goal.
Thankfully, through it all, God continues in a patient relationship of love with His stumbling child. He gives me small signs and victories when I ask Him, and encourages me daily in His word. Hanging in suspension with game-changing decisions out of my control has given me a new appreciation for being content in all circumstances. The longer I stay here, the more normal the abnormal tightrope walk becomes. Security, which used to be the god I worshiped, no longer matters as I've lived without the luxury for so long I've forgotten what it felt like it. In place of security, I have found freedom.
Even though each day of this unknown walk is a struggle, I am grateful for the journey. The spotlight illuminates my relationship with God, forcing me to face the stark reality of me. All else is darkness. I see the flaws in my own character all the clearer for the adventure. I used to think I trusted God completely. But, I didn't realize that this was when I could still see my path in the twilight, and I was writing my own story. Now, in the pitch blackness of uncertainty, I realize I'm not really so brave. I don't have it all together. And, I have to admit my faith is weak and I need His help to strengthen me to even come close to the contentment He is asking of me. I admire all the more those disciples content in jail cells, sleeping on stone for the sake of the gospel, not knowing if they would see the dawn. What mighty faith they had! My prayer is that I can grow up enough to walk in the night without fear, content to simply hold the hand of the One who created the light... one moment, one breath, one heartbeat at a time. By His grace, with each step I'm coming closer...
"Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content:" Philippians 4:11
"Now godliness with contentment is great gain." 1 Timothy 6:6
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