Broken Pieces

There's a saying, "God can mend your broken heart, you just have to surrender all the pieces."

Surrender... It's such an anti-American word. After all, we are the invincible, the conquerors, the persevering go-till-you-get-what you want culture. We are surrounded with cries from Tony Robbins, Jack Canfield, and Steven Covey telling us to never back down, never surrender! While the concept is good, do we take it into our walk with our Savior?

God hates heartbreak. He feels it every time we chose other loves over Him.  The God of the universe allows us to reject Him.  He makes Himself vulnerable to feeling pain from us, because He loves us!  It's still something I can't quite fathom.

I often think of my relationship with God like a romance. I think it's wired in every woman to be truly loved by someone who will protect her, sacrifice everything to be with her, and be crazy enough about her to want to spend eternity with her. The only One who has ever loved me perfectly is God.

Yet, though I'm offered this great love, I chose myself. I tell Him where we are going and offer to let Him tag along. I write my own story book then offer it to Him to read. I'm a follower of God as long as He's a follower of my agenda, of my ways, of me. I go through the motions and play a Christian like a pro, but I hold onto the pen so tightly I feel my heartbeat in my fingers, determined to remain in control. Why?

Because I've learned surrender is for the weak, those who have no dreams; the mindless who can't steer their own course. No way will I trust my future to anyone but me!

So, in pain, He watches me write my own story full of heartbreak. Like a snowplow ravaging the perfect landscape of unique crystal dreams, I leave a wake of destruction behind me. In my selfish pursuit of perfection, I not only break my own heart, but I hurt others whom I claim to love, and ultimately Him. My sin of self leaves my heart in pieces as my plans crash like waves upon the cliffs of pride and selfishness. He can only watch sadly as I struggle in stubborn persistence, unable to let go of fragments.

Then, when I'm broken enough to realize I'm no longer enough, He whispers...

"Trust Me."

I hear, but still fight it. "No! I can't give this up, not even for You!"

"Let it go... and fall. Stop trying to stand alone. I will catch you!"

"But God, You will want all of me! You will ask me for everything!"

"Exactly! You're already Mine. I bought you with the highest price... My life. I experienced total surrender to redeem you, can you offer Me less now?"

"But I'm so messed up. How could You even use me? I am broken. I have nothing. What could I ever offer You?"

"Sarah, I love you. All I want is your love and trust. Give me the pen. Let me write you a new story. The story I designed perfectly for you. Let me give you a purpose designed exactly upon the uniqueness of you. Let me show you what you were made for. Stop running. You will always be restless until you rest in Me. The only way to conquer is to surrender. The only way to gain is to lose. The only way to rise is to fall."

"But God, that goes against everything I understand about success. I want my life to matter. I want to make a difference. I want to leave a legacy! There is a fire burning within that I can't quench!"

"Sarah, your life will always matter to Me. I know the fire you feel, I lit it. I know the hairs on your head and hold your tears in a bottle. I want you to love Me enough that pleasing Me is your greatest desire. Will you give Me the pen? Will you give Me the broken pieces? Will you give Me your heart?"

"God, I want to,  but I'm too weak to trust You that much. I can't let go by myself. Will You give me the power to give You everything? Will You give me the faith? Will You help me surrender all control to You?"

 "I was just waiting for the invitation..."

And suddenly, unexplainable to rational thought, I trust Him. I see what a mess my life is when I'm the one in control. It's like I have new eyes to see all the times listening to Him would have resulted in beauty, but I chose to play in the ashes. I no longer trust in myself, and I give everything to Him - holding nothing back. I give Him all the pieces... and find peace.