Grass Is Always Greener...

It's been said by those wiser than me, "If the grass looks greener on the other side, it's time you spent more effort tending to your own lawn." Isn't that just like human nature? Someone is always prettier, smarter, younger, hotter, more athletic, has a better career, nicer house and car, easier life... We love to run around and play the comparison game, but we never see the problem being caused by us - but by others getting a better deal at the card table of life. It's easier that way.  We just look at another lawn and long for it instead of working to make our own lawn the garden of our dreams.

One of the toughest verses for me to follow in the Bible is found in Hebrews 13:5, "Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”  This verse, when broken up into two sections, gives a command for us to follow and a promise for God to follow through on.

Both the command and promise are hard for me. I can never seem to live in the present.  I'm haunted by my past and worried for my future.  Living this way means lots of sleepless nights (like tonight for example), allowing the "what ifs" and "whys" to dance around in my head. It means finding tears slipping down my cheek and wetting my pillow that I didn't even know I cried because I felt too numb. It certainly doesn't bring happiness and isn't God's plan for me, yet it seems to be my default.  How I wish I could slip into the waters of His love and simply float in the moment, drink in every morsel of the magic that surrounds me and wish for nothing more! Being truly content means trusting both the past and future to God. It's just a lot harder in principle than in simple platitudes.

I had hoped to share a miracle of God's leading.  I actually have quite the story to tell, and I hope to share a happy ending, but I don't want to share it until all pieces are in place.  But, what I thought I would know weeks ago still eludes me.  God seems to feel the need to further refine me, asking me to learn to trust Him with huge life events where the answers just won't come without waiting.

He has also felt the need to further purge me of areas in my life where I follow His commands to the letter, but not with my entire heart.  God doesn't want grudging obedience, He wants my heart desiring the same thing His does. I may obey Him, but if I'm not content in that decision, it's not really surrender. I've had to break some painful habits that were doing nothing but holding me back from healing.  It helped for me to see that much of what I thought was green grass was simply a mirage. Sadly, it took that realization for me to finally give up my rebellion.  I wish I could have fully surrendered when I thought I was still giving up Eden. That would have been real faith!

Believing God's promises is sometimes a struggle as well. He has never failed me, yet each time He asks for more belief, I find it so hard to give it.  I guess it's because I've had a lot of people I loved deeply promise me important life-changing commitments, then not keep them.  Unfortunately, God gets my baggage from my experience with imperfect people.  I'm not innocent either.  I've broken my share of promises too. But, God promises He will never leave me, that He will always love me.  Having always struggled with feeling completely loved by people in my life, this is the hardest thing for me to accept. I may acknowledge it in my head, but my heart still secretly questions. I wish I could learn to trust with the child-like faith I used to have; the kind of faith that hasn't known heartbreak, pain, or death. Getting back to that faith through the valley of darkness is the ultimate goal.

Thankfully, through it all, God continues in a patient relationship of love with His stumbling child. He gives me small signs and victories when I ask Him, and encourages me daily in His word.  Hanging in suspension with game-changing decisions out of my control has given me a new appreciation for being content in all circumstances.  The longer I stay here, the more normal the abnormal tightrope walk becomes.  Security, which used to be the god I worshiped, no longer matters as I've lived without the luxury for so long I've forgotten what it felt like it.  In place of security, I have found freedom.

Even though each day of this unknown walk is a struggle, I am grateful for the journey. The spotlight illuminates my relationship with God, forcing me to face the stark reality of me.  All else is darkness.  I see the flaws in my own character all the clearer for the adventure.  I used to think I trusted God completely.  But, I didn't realize that this was when I could still see my path in the twilight, and I was writing my own story.  Now, in the pitch blackness of uncertainty, I realize I'm not really so brave.  I don't have it all together.  And, I have to admit my faith is weak and I need His help to strengthen me to even come close to the contentment He is asking of me. I admire all the more those disciples content in jail cells, sleeping on stone for the sake of the gospel, not knowing if they would see the dawn.  What mighty faith they had! My prayer is that I can grow up enough to walk in the night without fear, content to simply hold the hand of the One who created the light... one moment, one breath, one heartbeat at a time.  By His grace, with each step I'm coming closer...

"Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content:" Philippians 4:11

"Now godliness with contentment is great gain." 1 Timothy 6:6

Past the Fantasy to the Fairy Tale

Marriage.  For many single women, it's the ultimate goal to experience happiness. It's the handsome prince on the white horse sweeping her into his arms and cantering off into the sunset. It's the laughter. It's the butterflies when lips touch. It's the white lace and candlelight. Love is effortless.  Love is all consuming. Love is addictive.  Life doesn't really start until you find that special someone. Jerry McGuire's "You complete me!" strongly resonates with society, suggesting you aren't really whole until you find your soul mate.

I can honestly say that I didn't start out in this group of whimsical women. I did not have my wedding planned out at 16.  I never owned a bridal magazine until I had an engagement ring on my finger and knew I needed to pull something together. I always tried to keep my feet on the ground, not in the clouds. But, I must say the whirlwind of the wedding and honeymoon even brought out that naive hope in my heart of living "happily ever after" effortlessly.

If we subscribe to Hollywood's version of love, we believe we should "follow our hearts." Sounds so beautiful, doesn't it? How simple is that? We believe love should be effortless.  If it starts to become work, we are with the wrong person.  You shouldn't have to force love.  It should descend like fairy dust upon the fortunate few who are lucky enough to find it. And, if the feelings of love should fly like a bird from their shoulders, then we should follow it until it rests upon the next person to captivate our hearts. Just like you shouldn't keep hammering a square peg into a round hole, you shouldn't keep working at a relationship that offers you no reward.

We've been sold the biggest fantasy wrapped as reality. This is why half of all marriages fail. Our expectations are all out of wack! This is why we are never content and are always searching for our "happily ever after," trying on new relationships like new running shoes. We love them at first with the flashy new colors and cushion soles, but when they wear out, they are thrown out. Society has been trained to keep looking for the next best thing to make us feel good. Why wouldn't that translate to our relationships?

There are two types of love we will explore.  One is an addiction and one is an action.  One is a feeling and one is a choice. One is the fantasy and the other is the true fairy tale.

To be transparent, I will share some of my story. Pain is the fastest teacher, although learning things the hard way is not necessary if we would just follow God's principles. It spares us much heartache. When I was first married, I thought I was one of the few people who had been blessed with that special effortless love only a select group experience. I adored my new husband and he adored me. We had dated for a year with all the romantic bells and whistles needed to bring out all those fluffy feelings, while keeping Godly principles in place. When we were first married, making him breakfast in bed, designing romantic "getaways" using wall posters, ocean CDs, rolling chairs as airplanes, and a fake passport to tropical destinations, back rubs, and gazing at him adoringly as he slept all came so easily. But, like anything, what you focus on is what you cultivate. Over time, our focus shifted.

We had some pretty tough first few years with outside disappointments in career and health hitting our young marriage. Soon, because of our frustrations and failure, we focused on career over each other. We were so comfortable that our marriage was secure, we gave ourselves permission to neglect it - believing it would always be there. It was a slow fade that wasn't noticeable in the day-to-day living. It was seen in those moments when we gradually stopped doing what we used to do to keep our marriage strong. It was one less kiss goodnight.  It was one less conversation on the porch swing watching the sunset. It was one less morning cuddle. It wasn't that we weren't still loving, but we were putting our energy towards big goals, time was money, and we were forgetting to cherish what we had.

It all came to a head when we were forced to separate for about a year.  My career was going well and I wasn't ready to leave it, and his dreams were taking him to a foreign country to continue his education. We thought we would be o.k. in a long-distance marriage.  After all, this was the one area we had down. Our marriage could handle anything! This separation was only temporary until his training was over. Our overconfidence was our downfall.

At first, being alone was the toughest thing I had ever experienced.  We had married right out of college, and before that I always lived with roommates, so it was my first time living by myself. The  big house was so empty without him.  But, I loved him.  This was what he wanted, and I certainly wasn't about to hold him back because I was a needy wife. Besides, my job, the house we owned, and the life we had in Florida was our security blanket.  He wasn't ready to let it go anymore than I was. Career and financial security took the place, temporarily in our minds, of our commitment to always be together.

So, I stayed behind while he left the country. Unfortunately, our marriage was already worn down by years of hard work, jobs on different schedules, stress, and few hours spent together. It was much weaker than we knew.

To fill the void, I threw myself into work, marathon and triathlon training, and church activities. Then, to my surprise, as time past I found I could live life without him.  I developed new friendships that filled the void of his absence. I fought off depression with the endorphin highs of training. The pain of missing him in my heart gradually lessened, and finally ended. He also learned to live his life without me.  We became two separate people with separate friends and separate lives. When he came home, I suddenly realized I wasn't in love with him anymore and that he felt the same way. The feelings had grown cold. It was then that we were faced with a choice - give up or dig deep.

We chose to change our priorities and pursue love regardless of what we felt. I sold the house and gave up the amazing career. He found a new apartment where he was going to school that would accommodate our family of three crazy dogs, and I moved to live with him again in a new country. We sought counseling, confessed our wrongs, forgave each other, and shifted our focus back on our marriage. While I will never be so arrogant to say our marriage is rock solid as we are both sinful people who need to cling to Jesus to be the kind of spouse the other deserves, we are healing every day. And, the feelings are coming back. They aren't coming back like they did the first time, with the rush of new young passion, because there is now much pain between us. But, like Dickinson's "hope is a thing with feathers" softly singing, the sound is heard more perceptibility each day.

Here are seven things I have learned about love through this experience, additional reading, past relationships, and being married my first decade. If you want to really explore some of these concepts more in depth, I would recommend His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Harley. Most of these concepts I have learned from his training. And all of them I'm still striving to improve upon.

• Emotional love is not a unique once-in-a-lifetime treasure, it is nothing more than an addiction.  Rutgers University did a study of people who were going through break-ups.  They saw that they experienced withdrawals in the brain's nucleus accumbens and orbitalfrontal / prefrontal cortex region just like those coming off of cocaine and cigarette addictions.  So, when you feel that rush at the beginning of a new relationship, you really are high.  If separated from the source of the addiction, the feelings of emotional love do fade in time for most people if they give up all contact. Just like you can't be an alcoholic and still drink occasionally, you can't still allow the addictive relationship in your life. This is helpful information to those who are going through the heartache of a breakup.  Completely removing yourself from the other party is the most healthy way to heal. While you may always still love the person, the feelings of addiction and pain will dull with time. Just remember that you can't trust your feelings when it comes to addictive love. What your heart demands isn't always what is best for you.

• Feeling emotional love is the natural result of meeting top emotional needs.  Most women, me included, have the same four top emotional needs: 1) Conversation 2) Affection 3) Recreational Companionship and 4) Sexual Fulfillment.  If you want to know the man's side of things or see the rest of the needs on the list, read the book or go to Dr. Harley's website at www.marriagebuilders.com for tons of free information and quizzes to uncover your top needs.  Conversation for me is my strongest need and is felt by a man's ability to communicate deep theological concepts and emotional feelings and experiences with me. Affection encompasses all those little touches seen in loving relationships - kissing, hugging, hand holding, and back rubs. Recreational Companionship is simply having fun together and spending quality time doing different activities. Sexual Fulfillment is pretty self explanatory. What I have learned is that while some of top emotional needs are very easy to keep for your husband alone based on common sense (affection and sexual fulfillment), some are not (conversation and recreational companionship). If a wife allows any other man to meet any of those needs, or if a husband allows another woman to meet his top needs, however innocent they are deemed to be, the marriage is open for trouble as affections can shift away from the marriage relationship to another person. Also, if the husband fails to meet those needs for his wife, she needs to immediately let him know what is happening and demand that he learn to meet them versus continue in silence and weakness. The onus to meet his needs also falls on her, and if she is failing he needs to tell her.

• It is my responsibility for my husband to feel "in love" with me, and it is his responsibility for me to feel "in love" with him. This was a revolutionary concept for me. We cannot generate those feelings long-term without the other person's conscience effort. Beating yourself up for not feeling in love with someone is an unnecessary guilt trip. The feelings we feel are in direct proportion to how well our spouse has learned to meet those top emotional needs.  And, keeping our marriage strong is in direct proportion to how well we guard our top emotional needs from anyone else.  

• New relationships naturally generate emotional love, but keeping that high going requires deposits in our proverbial "love bank."  In the beginning of relationships, we easily meet top emotional needs because we are focusing on that person, which generates the rush of feelings - that high. Think about it, we take our new interest out on dates; we talk to them, spend every waking moment with them, invest in them. We also gravitate to those people who are naturally good at meeting our top emotional needs and fill up our emotional love bank. Anytime our needs are meet, deposits in the love bank are made.  Any time someone hurts us with what Dr. Harley calls "love busters," withdrawals occur. Our emotional feelings are generated by how much "love" currency is in our banks. If that special someone makes lots of deposits and few withdrawals, we feel strong love for them.  However, if they continue to make many withdrawals and few deposits, the feelings fade.

• Many times as marriage grows more comfortable, we stop investing so much. The security of the legal binding contract makes us lazy, and the embers begin to die. Do you want to feel deep love for someone? The feelings can come back, but you can rarely generate it by yourself, no matter how much you want to. They have to make deposits and you have to be open to accepting them. And, they have to learn to stop making withdrawals by changing hurtful habits.  The same responsibility is shared equally by both parties. If you follow this concept, the feelings of love remain strong.  If you don't, love fades and sometimes people find someone else to make deposits to fill the gaping hole in their emotional needs left unmet by their partner. You see the pattern occurring all around, but it is most clearly glamorized in Hollywood, where people follow the rush of new love from marriage to marriage. 

• Even if that person does not want to learn to meet your emotional needs, this does not give you the excuse to allow others to meet them.  The choice and sin to open up your emotional needs to the services of others over your spouse still falls on you. Instead, teach your spouse how to meet your needs.  Seek counseling from someone who can teach these concepts.  Most men in particular like a connect-the-dots concept of love.  If they have a checklist that they feel is manageable, which you should provide them, they can see how to fix the problem. You also need to get a checklist from them to hold yourself accountable to meeting their needs as they learn to meet yours. It may sound unromantic, but it is extremely effective. If both parties feel there is a mutual benefit to the exercise, they will embrace it.  

• You also learn that you must only do those things that have the enthusiastic agreement of the other person.  If you follow this rule, no one ever feels that they are unwillingly being drug along with a martyrdom-like attitude and resentment never develops. A win-win solution can always be achieved, it just may take more time to discover it. 

We have thoroughly explored how to generate the feeling of being in love.  Believe it or not, it really is that unromantic. At first, the concept was tough for me to accept.  I liked my version of love - that magical idea that there is one person who is my soul mate, who completes me. I thought I would feel the butterflies forever. The concept that a person's talent to meet my emotional needs can evoke those once sacred feelings I thought were reserved for the holy grail of relationships seemed to make it less special. One plus one just equals two. Meeting top emotional needs and not making withdrawals equals feelings of romantic love. But, if we can learn to dispense with the fairy dust and appreciate the science of it, the butterflies are no less real, just predictable. And, the knowledge can be liberating. Successful fulfilling marriages, not just those staying together because of the children or religious commitments, have learned this equation and practice these things daily to keep the love bank currency full and generate the in-love emotion. Marriages where both parties are feeling the high of being in love, where no action is taken without the enthusiastic agreement of the other person, and that contain people who have their top needs met don't end in divorce. It's just that simple.

There is also the Biblical version of love.  I really fleshed this concept out in my previous post, but I will highlight it again here. This love is a choice, not a feeling. What we've already explored ties in well with this.  If you do the work for the other person to generate those in-love feelings in them, you are following the definition of love that God set out.  Long-lasting Biblical love isn't something that materializes like a genie from a lamp.  It is something that is the end product of 1 Corinthians 13.  If your love "seeks not its own" (1 Cor. 13:5) you will work to learn how to meet the needs of your spouse, and they will do the same. You will take responsibility for them feeling in love with you and generate actions based on this, and you will do whatever it takes to fight for their heart. If you truly seek to love them God's way, you will confess your wrongs, forgive, and turn away from anything that hurts your partner for "love covers a multitude of sins" (1 Peter 4:8).  Men will give up selfishness and "love your wives, as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25). Women will give up control and will "let the wife see that she respects her husband" (Ephesians 5:33). Respect, coincidentally, is a top emotional need for men. Seeking God first and developing His character helps us to learn to love like this, as He heals the deepest wounds in our hearts and relationships.

There is nothing wrong with seeking the feeling of being in love.  Without it, you wouldn't get married. God designed this emotion for our benefit. It's fine to be high on the love of your spouse.  But, just like a person doesn't just suddenly wake up and feel good when they run a marathon with no training, people don't stay in the bliss of addictive love without daily actions to keep this flame from dying out. Like a frog in a slow-warming frying pan, you don't realize how far away you drifted from each other until the water is boiling. By then, it's often too late unless radical changes and efforts are made. If we do let the embers die, we then learn that true love is a choice to continue to unlock the mysteries of the other person's heart, regardless of the benefits to our own selfishness. Love is a purposeful commitment whether we profit from the feelings or not.

This is the love that God gives freely to us. We would be in a lot of trouble if God's love was based upon our actions versus His choice! This is the love He expects us to give to Him and to each other.  This kind of love continues determinedly on the same course, setting the sails to accommodate the feelings no matter the direction. With God's help, may we all set the sail toward His standards, His example, His heart. May our marriage be what He designed it to be - earthly examples of His perfect love for His bride the church. If marriage, one of the few things created in the perfection of Eden and brought into our current sinful existence, can triumph by God's grace - we can better reflect God's love for His people in our small microcosmic image of His much bigger love story to the world.

 "As the young man rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you." Isaiah 62:5

Paper House Love

He leaned against my passenger door and asked for a ride. In Grenada, it's very common to give rides and almost cultural to pick someone up. I had just dropped off some missionary friends on the street when he approached my stopped car. He was 25, good looking, well-groomed and seemed polite. I agreed to take him as far as I was going, he jumped in, and we sped off. Within 5 seconds of our trip, he was propositioning me.

Like a slick used car salesmen, he told me he would give me a good time like I had never experienced before. He leaned in and gave me a resume of all the things he could do. He told me I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. I could feel his breath on my neck and took that moment to take my attention off the road, look him in the eyes, and tell him firmly that if he didn't stay on his side of the car, things wouldn't go well for him. He seemed taken aback that his charm wasn't working on a complete stranger and asked why I was rejecting him while thankfully settling back in his seat.

"I'm married..." I stammered, still shocked this was happening. I am used to subtle advances from the men on the island - a compliment here or there, a yell from a group of boisterous guys when I jog by, an offer to be overly helpful. The culture is much more passionate on many fronts, and most of the guys like to yell compliments at women here. But, this was the first time I had been brazenly asked for sex.

"What's that got to do with anything? No one has to know!"

"But I love my husband. There is no way I will do what you're asking."

Then, he said something strangely profound. "What's love got to do with any of this?"

In Grenada, where having sex with a stranger is seen as slightly more intimate than a handshake by many locals, where girls are mothers by the time they are in high school because they listen to these guys, where whatever feels good is the best option... I have to wonder, why would I expect them to know any different? Do we? Maybe adultery is not as accepted in mainstream circles, but the root of it... hurting someone we claim to love to satisfy our selfishness is blatantly seen and apathetically accepted in both Christian and secular circles.

Satan has twisted the word love around into so many versions, the truth becomes a needle in a haystack of false definitions. Making "love" means going through the motions to achieve a feeling of personal pleasure. We live in our own amusement park. We may get in the line of our favorite ride for a while, but eventually it becomes boring, the line is too long, we are tired of climbing the stairs to get to the top of the tower, and we look for the next thing to satisfy our appetites. Whatever feels good, that's the ride we want to try next. The only thing love means to us is what we love most at the time. Why would loving someone mean we should change our behavior to consider them? Why would loving someone negate our primal urge to put self first and do whatever makes us happy?

It's not really so different in the US, or anywhere else in the world. The problem of self is why the divorce rate is just as high for Christians as non-Christians. You love them as long as they love you correctly. You love them as long as they meet a certain physical or emotional standard. You love them as long as you get something out of it that makes it worth your while. If it looks like someone else can do a better job of making you happy, then you call up one of the hundreds of divorce lawyers in the area and jump on the next thrill ride of endorphins. You enjoy the thrill of the new car smell until you realize that person is just as imperfect as the one you left. We treat people we "love" like items that wear out.

We do the same to God. We love Him as long as it's comfortable. We love Him as long as we can get the emotional rush or benefit in some way from following His path. We love Him as long as He doesn't ask us to give up everything. But, when things get hard, we question His love.  After all, we go to church every week.  We give our tithe. We drop a tract on the table for the waitress. We've put in our dues.  Why does He allow all this pain in our lives? How quickly we forget the life that Jesus lived was not pleasant, long, or painless.  If the Savior sweat drops of blood for us, can we expect anything less for our journey? Yet, we live as though our happiness, not God's glory, was not just the expectation but the rule.

The Bible gives a very different version for love. If you do a search for the world "love" you will find about 500 references in the Bible. It was obviously an important topic to God, which is why Satan seeks so forcefully to distort it. Here are just a few of God's definitions:

• And you shall love him as yourself (Lev. 19:34)
• You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. (Deut. 6:5)
• Love is as strong as death (Song of Solomon 8:6)
• Many waters cannot quench love, Nor can the floods drown it. (Song of Solomon 8:7)
• I will heal their backsliding, I will love them freely, For My anger has turned away from him. (Hosea 14:4)
• He will quiet you with His love (Zephaniah 3:17)
• For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. (John 3:16)
• Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. (John 15:13)
• But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)
• Love does no harm to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfillment of the law. (Romans 13:10)
• Knowledge puffs up, but love edifies. (1 Cor 8:1)
• But have not love, it profits me nothing (1 Cor 13:3)
• Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; (1 Cor 13:4)
  
•  Love does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; (1 Cor 13:5) 
  
• Love does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;  (1 Cor 13:6) 
  
• Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1 Cor 13:7) 
  
• Love never fails. (1 Cor 13:8) 
•  And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love. (1 Cor 13:13)
• Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her (Ephesians 5:25)
• So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself (Ephesians 5:28)
• But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. (Colossians 3:14)
• Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them. (Colossians 3:19)
• Labor of love (1 Thess 1:3)
• Putting on the breastplate of faith and love (1 Thess 5:8)
• For whom the LORD loves He chastens (Hebrews 12:6)
• And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a multitude of sins.” (1 Peter 4:8)
• By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren. (1 John 3:16)
• But whoever has this world’s goods, and sees his brother in need, and shuts up his heart from him, how does the love of God abide in him? (1 John 3:17)
• My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth. (1 John 3:18)
• Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. (1 John 4:7)
• He who does not love does not know God, for God is love. (1 John 4:8)
• There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. (1 John 4:18)
• For this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments. And His commandments are not burdensome. (1 John 5:3)

Wow!  This love focuses not on what we get but on what we give.  It's a verb, not a feeling. It is hard work! It requires sacrifice, forgiveness, death to self, obedience, putting others first, endurance, suffering, labor, giving up our lives... It is powerful. It is painful. It is messy. No wonder we chose to say it so casually! We would rather label it with our definition than God's!

The Bible says God is love. So, when we mar the meaning of the word we are redefining the very character of who God is. That's the goal of the enemy... to make sure we don't really understand God, because if we truly knew how much He loved us and what He endured to be with us, we wouldn't be able to stay away from Him.

I'm writing these thoughts as the entire world celebrates Easter Sunday.  What a sobering thought! God humbled Himself to come in the flesh as a baby, to endure the rebuke and abandonment of His closest friends, and to end up willingly dying an agonizing death on the cross because He loved me even when I didn't love Him. I gave Him nothing, yet He gave me everything! If we all followed that definition of love, our world would be a much different place. But, people would rather have their hands full of the benefits of love and drop them when they get painful or heavy, than have their hands pierced by the sacrifice of it.

Love is also what defines us as Christ's disciples.  Jesus said, "By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” John 13:35.  This is why our understanding of love is so important. It is how the world will know that we are His.  If Satan can get us to take a watered-down, easy-to-swallow pill of what love is, than our witness is over. We try to sell the world a paper house in a rainstorm.  They see right through us. But, show them the blood-stained nail-pierced-hands-of-Christ kind of love, and you will shake them to their core. That love is rarely seen but when it is, it changes people.

God is searching for men and women who love fearlessly to do His final work. If I am honest with myself, I will admit freely that I have no idea how to love Him or others the way He loves me.  But, daily He gives me opportunities to grow in this area. Minute by minute, I have to ask Him to help me surrender my natural desire to seek personal pleasure and comfort at the expense of others. He offers to teach me His kind of love.  If you're tired of the world's definition, He offers this to you as well. And, the more we learn, the more we realize the kind of love He has for us. God doesn't offer us the paper house love, He offers us the diamond castle more beautiful than any fairy tale. It is our choice which version we want to cling to.  I'll take the castle!  

"For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come,  nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

Sent Out to Fail

I've never done actual battle.  I've trained for it with handgun classes shooting paper men, but I've never actually had to put my life on the line and faced an person who I knew was going to kill me if I didn't kill them first.  In today's society, we really don't come across those instances too often unless we go into the military or law enforcement.  I'm grateful for this, as I never want to use the training I've received.

But, I have done a lot of spiritual battle.  The enemy is just as real and he is not only bent on my physical death, but my spiritual death. He is just so much more elusive than a man standing in front of me pointing a gun.  With every choice I am faced with, I'm always given the opportunity to follow God's way or my way - which is really the enemy's way.  Sometimes I wish it were as clear cut as facing a physical enemy.  The hardest battles are within.  

I was reading a very interesting story this morning in my Bible study, and it hit me much harder than any 12-gauge recoil ever could. It's found in Judges 19-20.  I will freely admit that this is one of those times I don't understand everything I am studying.  I would encourage you to read it for yourselves.  

The story takes place when a Levite takes a concubine as his wife.  She runs away after other lovers and ends up at her father's house.  This Levite goes after her and speaks kindly to her to bring her back with him.  Her father asks him to stay with them for a while, which turns into three days.  The Levite tried to leave on the fourth day, but his father-in-law asked him to stay and have lunch, and then... since it's so late... just stay the night again.  He did.  Then, he tried to leave in the early morning of the fifth day, but was again detained by the girl's father.  At evening time, her father tried again to keep them through the night, but the Levite wasn't willing to do this again.  So, unwisely, he left with his wife and servant when he didn't have much daylight left for traveling. 

He went until the sun was setting and decided to stop at a nearby town of Gibeah for the evening.  His servant wanted to stop sooner at Jebus, but the Levite wanted to stay in cities of the children of Israel, not foreigners.  I'm sure he expected a much warmer welcome, and that those people would be Godly brothers and sisters who would provide lodging.  He was wrong.  He went there and sat in the square as no one would give him lodging, though he had food for all those with him, including his donkeys. Finally, an old man coming back from working the fields took pity on him and brought him in to stay with him.  He seemed concerned that he was about to spend the night in the open square.  And, soon, we see why. 

While they were having dinner, the men of the city wanted the old man to bring the Levite out so they could rape him.  I'm struck here how far the "children of Israel" had fallen.  The rest of the story gets progressively worse.  The old man begged them not to take his guest, but offered his virgin daughter to them and the Levite's wife.  Again, not the most chivalrous deed to ever take place in the Bible.  The men hid behind the women.  Finally, the Levite gave them his wife to rape all night while he hid in the house.  She was so abused, when they released her in the morning, she died on the doorstep.  Then, the Levite tied her up on his donkey and went home, where he cut up her body into 12 pieces and sent them all throughout Israel. It certainly got people's attention.  Everyone gathered together.  All the leaders of all the tribes of Israel, and 400,000 foot soldiers.  Then, the Levite told them how his wife was murdered.  Everyone was in agreement, the men of Gibeah must be punished. 

But, Gibeah didn't want to give up the men who had done this murderous act.  Instead, they decided to go to war against Israel.  So, 26,000 men of the tribe of Benjamin and 700 men of Gibeah went up to do battle against 400,000 soldiers of Israel.  Pretty bad odds.  It looked like Benjamin and Gibeah would be crushed.  Still, the children of Israel, even though they were on the side of justice, and even though they far outnumbered their enemy, still inquired of the Lord whether they should go to battle.  He told them that Judah should go first.  He gave them the green light to go to war. 

However, when they went to war the first day, they were completely defeated. In a bewildering scenario, an army of 26,700 men of Benjamin went up against an army of 400,000 and killed 22,000 of the children of Israel. So, they went to God and wept before Him all day until the evening, and asked Him what to do.  Again, God told them to go to war the next day.  

So, they listened to Him, and went to war again against Benjamin. Again, they lost and 18,000 more men died. Israel again went before the Lord and wept and fasted all day and offered burnt offerings to God. Then, a third time, Israel again asked God if they should go against Benjamin or if they should stop.  I can see their frustration, as this is the first time they asked God not only if they should go to war, but if they should give up.  God told them to go, and that He would deliver the armies into Israel's hand.  This is the first time God promises victory.  

So, in obedience, Israel went out against Benjamin.  They began the battle and 30 men from Israel's side died.  It looked like Benjamin would win again.  The armies of Benjamin were so sure of the victory, they followed Israel as they fled and left the protection of the city of Gibeah. But, 10,000 select fighters closed in behind them and rushed the city that was now defenseless, killing everyone inside.  Meanwhile, in the plains away from the city, the battle was fierce and the Benjaminites fought hard.  The Bible says that they "did not know that disaster was upon them." Suddenly, the Benjamites looked behind them and saw their city in flames, and panicked.  They ran away, and the men of Israel overtook them and killed 18,000 as they were running away, then killed 5,000 more on the highways, and 2,000 more up to Gidom.  As promised, God defeated the Benjamintes before Israel, and the men of Israel killed 25,100 Benjamites total.  Only 600 men remained alive who fled into the wilderness to rebuild the tribe of Benjamin.  And, even in victory, Israel was grieved because they had almost wiped out an entire tribe of the twelve tribes of Israel.  

I can see so many lessons in the story that I need to personally consider.  

1. One woman cheating on her husband started this entire war. If he hadn't journeyed to get her, they would never have gone to Gibeah. It rings of the story of Helen of Troy, but much more gruesome and unromantic. In the same way, one act, however personal that you believe only affects you, can be the pebble in the water that causes ripples of pain to be felt among many. 
2. One man's procrastination caused them to have to turn aside to Gibeah.  The Levite knew he needed to start in the morning to get home safely.  But, he found himself waylaid by his father-in-law until close to evening.  He was probably frustrated that this had happened two days in a row and just wanted to get away.  But, he let his anger drive him into making a terrible decision of leaving when he knew he would need to stay the night somewhere versus going straight home. How many times do I push forward in anger against sound reason because I feel I've wasted too much time?  Also, how many times do I delay doing what I know I need to do because the journey ahead seems so tiring and it's just so comfortable where I am?
3. The Levite went to Gibeah, a "Godly" city, and refused to go to Jebus, a foreign city of people who did not know God, believing he would be among God's people.  Many times, we forget that without God's grace, we are all capable of any sin.  If we stay out of God's presence long enough, we get so immune to His voice, we become hard.  We call evil good, and good evil. While we may play the good Christian by day, in the safety of the cover of darkness, we are no better than anyone else. Unfortunately, because we are such good actors, others still believe we are living a holy life until they see the truth, and then they reject God because they don't understand that a Christian is still just a sinner.  They associate God with the people who so poorly represent Him. This is what has turned more seekers away from the church.  They see the hypocrisy of people pretending to be perfect while entertaining evil. We need to stop elevating each other on pedestals, admit our complete inability to resist sin without constant dependance on our Savior, and just focus on Jesus. I doubt the Levite would have fared worse at Jebus. 
4. The Levite, when faced with a lustful mob calling for him, decided to hid behind his wife and give her to them to abuse all night.  In today's justice system, we would say he was an accessory to murder. He sacrificed her to save himself.   Instead of calling on God for help or standing up against evil, he took the easy way out and hid behind a woman.  Today, I also see a huge gaping hole waiting to be filled with men who are willing to take up God's sword and fight evil fearlessly. There is too much compromise and spiritual lethargy among those whom God has called to lead.  In America, a third of all children grow up without a dad.  Woman are now responsible for working outside the home and for taking care of the children. Many times, the wife is the spiritual head and takes the children to church while her husband watches a football game.  Finding true men of God who are willing to not just go through the motions, but parent their children and teach them to know God, love their wives and sacrifice themselves for them as Christ did the church, and who put on the armor of God to go to battle for His kingdom is rare indeed.
5. Once the Levite told Israel of Gibeah's sin and the Israelites asked for the men who committed the crime, the nation of Gibeah refused to purge the guilty from their city. That decision cost all but 600 men their lives. How many times do I see a sin in my heart that I know I must surrender and put that part of me to death, but instead I hold onto it? I would rather fight back than give up something wicked within me.  Why?  If I continue to hold onto it, my destruction is just as sure as Gibeah's.  
6. Gibeah was defeated because of their pride.  They had defeated Israel twice before, why not again?  When they saw them running away, they raced after them and left the protection of their city.  They also left their city unprotected.  Israel ran away to draw them out, then they turned on them when they were far enough away from protection and closed in.  The lesson of spiritual pride has been very real in my life lately.  I mistakenly think that just because I have resisted something successfully in the past and have a perfect track record, that I will be able to do it again.  I am above failure in this area, and it becomes my downfall. In my pride, I feel I have nothing to fear.  Then, before I realize what is happening, or as the men of Gibeah who "did not know that disaster was upon them," I suddenly find myself in so deep that I cannot escape. I run out confident of the victory, and am suddenly surrounded by my multitude of careless decisions, too far from help. I turn to run, but I am cut down. 
7. The one part of the story that bothers me is that the men of Israel asked God if they should go to war with Benjamin, and He told them to go.  Twice, they went and lost.  They were pursuing justice and were in the right.  They inquired of God as to whether they should go to war.  They were following Him, they were seeking Him, they were fasting before Him, they were crying to Him, they were in complete obedience.  Yet, 40,000 men lost their lives during those two days of defeat, and 30 more men lost their lives on the day of victory.  You see, in my life, I've done things believing that God is telling me to do them.  Yet, every time I go into battle with His blessing, I fail.  People think I'm crazy for continuing, but when I ask God if I should give up, the answer is always "Try again."   I don't understand why this happens.  Maybe God wants me to learn defeat so I can more appreciate the victory.  Maybe He wants me to trust Him to the point of insanity to fellow observers to further refine my heart to give up everything.  Maybe He desires obedience more than the outcome; that I should follow Him into victory or defeat with the same passion.  I honestly don't know.  Those first two days, He sent them out to fail.  But, on the third day He gave them the victory.  As a side note, I can't help but notice the three-day parallel to the story of Christ's victory over death on the third day. 

I can see so many spiritual boulders that roll across my own life in this story, but the final point hits home. While it raises many questions, it does bring me comfort that even when the battles are lost, God wins the war. I just may not be someone who gets to see it. There are many examples of this, but one modern-day story rises above all others in my mind. Just like the 40,030 men who died in the battles, my spiritual hero Jim Elliot and his friends were killed by the very people they was trying to save with the power of the gospel.  Jim went when God said "Go!" He died at the hands of a remote head-hunter tribe that he was trying to tell of Jesus' love. He never saw the entire tribe find Jesus through the acts of his wife and the other widows of the fallen missionaries who went back to finish the work. My final lesson is to just be willing to listen to God no matter the circumstances. Whether I benefit from going or not, whether I see the victory or not, I pray I will be faithful.